When Our Third Contact Letter Goes Out
We will have called you to explain that we have now sent out the third and final letter to the subject of your search. We know this is a demanding time for our clients and that you will have very mixed and overwhelming feelings about no contact so far. This leaflet is a reminder as to what happens next. We are just writing to remind you that we are still here, still working on your search and all doors are open at this stage.
We have no wish to give you false hope, and it is possible that we will have to support you with closure if we get no response to this third attempt at writing. However, we do quite often get responses to third and final letters. The feedback we have had is that it often takes subjects a long time to consider our approach to them…of course to the recipient this is a ‘bolt out of the blue’…whereas for you it has all been well considered and pre-planned. We have even had birth relatives come back to us some three years after our final approach to them. We always leave the door open, and every subject of a search knows they can reach us at any time. We never give up hope and your file is always stored safely away just in case. We will talk to you and advise you on your remaining options. There may still be living relatives you can contact, and we do this without further charge.
Counselling support is still available and during these sessions we can consider the many thoughts you will be having at this time. Usually, we explain to people that there are a myriad of reasons for no response, and it is never meant to be a personal rejection – although many people instantly feel this is a personal rejection and it can make them feel initially very upset or angry. The reasons for no contact are usually to do with the subjects own thinking, and the circumstances of their life at the time of contact. Mostly we find that people will have closed the door on contact in their mind and do not feel they wish to open this. We should be clear that it is everyone’s right to adopt this position. We have never been in touch with a subject who has ill feeling towards a contacting birth relative – if we are able to speak to them, they will often say…’this is just not the right time for me I wish them well.’
The worst-case scenario or worst outcomes tend to be when our clients decide to get through the whole thing without sharing their thoughts and feelings with us. It makes us sad when our clients tell us after the event that they were unhappy, but they struggled on alone, especially when we have a first class service sitting here and waiting to support you. We are used to managing the anxious thoughts and overwhelming emotions that can happen at this time, and psychologically and emotionally it is always much better if you can reach out and feel others are there to re-assure you. So please let us know if you would like to talk.
Having said that some people are just very private, and privacy is their best medicine. If this is the case, we do have up to forty leaflets available for you to read and we would recommend as a reminder leaflets 35 and 4 – about dealing with a non-contact response:
Please don’t hesitate to contact us if you have questions or concerns:
Dr Joanna North
Consultant Psychotherapist (Adoption)
September 2024.
Joanna North Adoption (Ofsted registered)
